I need meds. I am sure of it. I can not stop getting absolutely frustrated with my family. Rebecca is the worst. Everytime I ask her to do something I get a no or an I do not want to. I try to remain calm and I just can't. I end up screaming at her. And I mean screaming! It is awful, and it is a behavior that she also does which makes matters worse. Problem is I do not even have a doctor here yet. I can not seem to bring myself to call and schedule an appointment. Why? I do not know. I know how badly I need to see one. Not just for my depression but for medical reasons as well. Why is this so hard for me?

On another note, I have been attending a bible study. It is called A Women's Heart, God's Dwelling Place by Beth Moore. I do not know yet what I think of it. This is so new for me. I know I hate missing the morning with my children. I miss them terribly during it. Especially when Zachary does not want to leave me and Rebecca gets crocodile tears begging me to just let us stay home. I also am not really good at understanding the bible. After doing my homework for the week I do not feel like I knew anymore then I did. Then I go to class and they explain what it means (sometimes) and I think wow, I never could have gotten that out of it. It makes me feel frustrated and clueless. I am trying hard to be a better christian and get closer to God. Why? I do not know. Maybe because I see others who have and it looks good. It is hard though being that we did not grow up very religious. Sure, we went to church every Sunday but we never said grace before a meal (unless you count Christmas with the relatives) and we never really talked about God at home. We never talked about praying or anything else. It is so awkward for me to talk religiously. Also, as much as Jim says he is religious he is not open about it either. Yes, we say grace at dinnertime but that is about it. So, I am taking it a week at a time and we will see how it goes. I am sure I will make it through the entire course as that is the type of person I am. One to stick it out. I paid for childcare and such so by golly I am going to do what I said I would do.

And more updates:
Caroline and Elizabeth got glasses. Not covered by insurance so we had to pay $896! Now that we have done that we will have eye insurance starting October 1st. We found out two days after we paid all this money. They do look cute in them. Smarter! :)

Zachary is still meeting with ECI. His speech has improved tremendously over the past 6 months. But he still has a ways to go. He has a little attitude though!

Tomorrow I go to the Women Of Faith Conference. I am looking forward to it. Although I am a bit nervous. Plus I have to get there at 7:30 AM to carpool. I hope it is good for me. I tried to distract Rebecca today by telling her that Daddy would be staying home from work tomrrow to play with her. I thought this would be an exciting thing for her. Instead she asked if I would be here to. When I told her no I had a meeting to go to with other mommy's from church she cried. She looked so incredibly sad. It broke my heart. She asked if she could go with me. I told her no. She said over and over that she wanted to be with me. So, I promised I would see if they had anything I could buy for her there so she would know that she was in my heart. Poor girl. :( She looked so sad.