Religion

For some reason I can not sleep tonight. Thoughts of baptism are running through my head. Not sure exactly why. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. We went to a baptism this weekend. A young boy and an older woman were baptized. The woman was someone who I have become somewhat friendly with at church. She put together a book club I joined. I am enjoying it so much. It is a bit therapeutic for me I suppose. I was reading our book club book before bed tonight. Maybe that was the problem. I usually read that book during the day and then read a chosen library book before going to sleep. But I knew we would be so busy tomorrow and I have book club tomorrow night so I wanted to make sure I got it all read. I finally started falling asleep towards the end of chapter nine. I had read chapter 8 and need to read through chapter 10. Anyway, I put the book down after trying to get through the end of the chapter without any luck. I shut off my light and got comfortable in bed. That is when my mind started working overtime. I was too hot and had too many thoughts. Do I want to be baptized into the baptist church? I have always believed that I never would. I was baptized Catholic as an infant. I can certainly understand the argument that it was not my choice. However, I have always argued back that I then made my confirmation when I was in 10th grade. This is certainly old enough to make the choice to accept God. But did I really make that choice? Or has that just been a good solid argument for avoiding a dunking? Well, in a way I was also forced to do that. There would have been no telling my mother that I was choosing not to go through with it or even that I did not want to attend CCD. However, when I think back to that year, I really enjoyed CCD. Sure as a younger child I did not like it but with Sergeant Little who could!? But I do remember that final year of going through CCD class with Father Lyons. I did enjoy it and I even more enjoyed attending mass when I was able to become a Eucharistic Minister and a lector. It felt good to me! I still miss doing that very much. However, I have been enjoying the Baptist church lately. I sometimes miss the formality of the Catholic church and the prayers but I also love the music in the Baptist church. We have made so many friends and met so many wonderful caring people at Trinity. I hate to think of missing church. I have not even enjoyed watching the nursery because I miss church. But I wonder how I know if I am ready to be baptized? I have been more involved at this church then any other church and I am enjoying it. Is that what makes me want to be baptized? The peer pressure in a way of not being a full member and always second guessing whether I am supposed to be helping out in Rebecca's Sunday School class or even vacation bible school? Or am I really ready to accept the Lord in a Baptist way by being baptized? Does it or will it make a difference in my future? Will God love me more for publicly proclaiming my belief in him? Or will I have the same fate regardless? Jim has mentioned a few times lately that he would love to see me be baptized. He used to always say it really did not matter to him one way or the other. Why all of a sudden is it of interest to him? Is it the same reasons as I said above? Is he embarrassed that I have not accepted the Lord in the way that Baptists do? Is it to make sure I do not wake up one day and say I want to leave the church to go back to a Catholic one? I have a hard time discussing religion with him. Not sure why. And when I ask him why he would like me to get baptized he does not really have an answer.
I guess in some way i almost feel bad for changing religions. ow can I abandon the faith I was raised in? Is it right to do so? Is Baptist the right religion for me? Didn't Episcopal do what I need as well? Although I never had the friends I have now at church but it also was the church the ex used to go to as well. How does one decide to change religions or to even be baptized?
I feel like I have so much more learning to do. Do I need to learn all I do not know before I decide to be baptized? How does one really pray? How do I ask God for guidance? How do I know what his answer is when I do ask? I guess in many ways I am trying so desperately to become a more religious person. Not a freaky religious but one who is more comfortable with who I am in a religious sense. One who is not so reluctant to express my religious views. One who can turn to God at any given time and know exactly what He wants me to do. One who knows how to even do that correctly? Is there even a correct way to do that? Or does it vary from person to person with no right or wrong way?
Well, I guess I need to try again to go get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow! And I still have a lot of soul searching to do.